What Exactly is Respect in a Relationship?

Respect is key in every healthy relationship. It’s a foundation on which feelings of trust and companionship are built. But respect can mean different things to different people, and we don’t always give or receive the degree of respect that’s deserved.

What is Respect? A Complete Definition

The dictionary definition of respect is to place someone in high regard. It’s not necessarily love. It’s more of a state of deference. You value them, and they mean a lot to you. Of course, that implies that you place that person above yourself, but that’s a good position to have in a relationship. Your other half should be one of the most important people in your life, someone you always treat well, and someone you want to be happy. If the respect is mutual, as it should be, then you both feel the same way, and that’s when strong bonds are formed.

How to Know if You Are in a Respectful Relationship

Trust, openness, healthy boundaries, and emotional intimacy are all signs that you’re in a healthy, respectful relationship:

Trust

Your partner tells you that they’re going away for several days with their friends. How does it make you feel? It’s normal to be a little concerned, especially if you have been cheated on by other partners in the past, but if you don’t let those concerns rise to the surface, it’s a good sign.

Sure, your straight male partner could have sex with a woman just because that woman is part of their friendship group, but you should trust that they won’t, and you don’t have the right to demand they kick that person out of their life.

It goes both ways, though, and if they don’t have the same level of trust in you, it’s something they need to work on.

Openness

Do you feel comfortable expressing yourself to your partner? Do you tell them everything, including the things that you wouldn’t tell anyone else? Or do you feel like you need to hide things from them?

Healthy relationships require complete openness and full disclosure from both parties. It’s okay to hide minor embarrassing things, but it’s not okay if you feel that you can confide in your parents, siblings, and friends before confiding in your partner.

Healthy Boundaries

In unhealthy relationships, people often equate the need for trust and openness with the lack of boundaries. Rather than thinking, “I trust them, so I don’t need to see their phone or access their social media accounts”, they think, “They should be open with me, so they should let me search through their phone and track their location”.

To give your partner respect, you need to give them space. Accept that there are things in their life that are out of bounds. If a boundary makes you uncomfortable and you deem it to be unreasonable, talk to them and come to a compromise. For instance, it’s not unreasonable for your partner to keep their phone to themselves, but it is unreasonable for them to stay at an ex’s house while on a business strip.

Emotional Intimacy

The early days of a relationship are intense and passionate. You’re infatuated with one another. You may respect your partner, but the real trust and respect come as you get to know them, and that whirlwind honeymoon period develops into a romance relationship, one characterized by compassion and regular intimacy.

The Importance of Self-Respect

If you lack self-respect, you may be letting your partner get away with treating you poorly.

Even if they have the best intentions, it’s easy for them to slip into disrespectful habits if you have a complete lack of respect for yourself.

Compare your actions to those of your partner. Do they kick up a fuss every time you go out by yourself but expect you to be accepting when they leave on a business trip? Do they refuse to let you have a mixed-gender friend group but still keep in touch with their ex? You’re being disrespected, and it often stems from a lack of self-respect.

How to Address Potential Issues with Your Partner

If you think that you’re doing your bit in respecting your partner but aren’t getting anything back, you may feel struck, unhappy, and unsatisfied. And you have every right to feel those things. But don’t dismiss your partner yet. Their issues could be a result of previous relationship issues or even their attachment style.

Try these steps to gain respect from your partner and give the relationship some much-needed balance.

Analyze the Stories in Your Head

Relationship issues build over time, which often means that one person is largely ignorant of them while the other person stews with anger. If you’re the latter, you probably have all kinds of hurtful things running through your head, including:

• They don’t love me as much as I love them
• They are too judgmental
• They are hypocritical
• They don’t care about me and are just using me

The fact that you’re having these thoughts suggests that something needs to change, but if you start now, you’ll just end up getting upset and may say something you regret. If you voice a minor concern, for instance, and they say something that proves you’re overreacting or misread the situation, it will devalue all of your proceeding concerns.

So, analyze those thoughts and look for anything substantial that can confirm your beliefs. You want to come across as assured and reasonable, not overly emotional.

Think About What You Actually Need

What do you want from them? What do you want to change? Maybe it’s their controlling or distrusting behavior. Maybe you feel like your needs as an individual are being ignored. Whatever the needs are, make sure they are clear so you can express them to your partner and plan a route forward.

It may help you to plan the conversation in your head. You know your partner, so you probably have a good idea of how they will respond. Play it out in your head, practice it, and make sure your requests are clear and reasonable.

Don’t Attack Them

If they’re not giving you what you want, expressing extreme distrust, and acting hypocritical, you’re going to feel like they are the root of all your problems. That will make you angry, so when the conversation begins, the blame game will commence. Even if they are at fault, attacking them right out of the gate will just put them on the defensive and that won’t fix anything.

Try to approach things from a neutral point. Consider why they might be acting the way they are, let them know that you understand them, and then express your concerns. Think about it this way: if you’re attacking them, blaming them, and making it clear that you’ve had these negative thoughts for a while, you’re showing a lack of respect. You can’t blame them for not respecting you if it’s clear that you don’t respect them, either.

What Should You Do When the Respect Is Lost on Both Sides?

If the respect is no longer there and hasn’t been there for a while, your first move is to ask whether the relationship is worth saving. If you’re married and/or have a family, it’s worth trying to fix:

• Speak with your partner
• Work on your own personal issues. Don’t make it all about them
• Try to compromise on things that you disagree with
• Seek help from a marriage or family therapist

If you need some more relationship or marriage advice, check out our other guides on the subject.

Conclusion: The Importance of Relationship Respect

Whether it’s a new relationship, marriage, or friendship, respect is at the core of every relationship. Reaching such a level of mutual respect is an important relationship step. It may take some work to reach that point, but it’s essential for the relationship to grow as it means you’re both comfortable, safe, and happy, and you’re not one argument away from total relationship capitulation.

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